I am pissed off again!

So I seemed to be pissed off at the whole world right now.  Nothing has gone right today what so ever and these "happy"(for depression) pills are not seeming to calm my mood even a little. Where to start?!?!?! Hmmm, I made calzones for lunch today, the kids liked there's as I made pizza style ones for them and for the husband and I, I made spinach, mushroom, onion and cheese.  I thought they were good, I made everything from scratch, I didn't take the short cut and buy premade dough, I worked hard on them and was pleased with how they turned out.  The only thing that upset me a little was that the husband didn't comment on them at all, I am not sure if he liked them or hated them.  I don't know made be I was just excepting more then what I deserved?!?  Then we decided the have a nap this afternoon, it doesn't happen often that I will lay down any more when the rest do, because I just don't have time.  But I thought made be today I would, I have been lacking in the sleep area for a while and thought it might help me out.  Well, just as I dose off the little one wakes up screaming, I laid there for a few minutes hoping my husband would get up to see what was wrong, but nope to all luck he didn't.  Once I got up and checked on the baby, got him milk and brought him out to the couch, who shows up...... Yep, your right the husband.  I asked what he was doing, and he tells me, "Oh I can't sleep" .  Well fuck you I thought.  You know I really wanted to lay down today and try to sleep but it didn't happen, cause the little one woke up.  If you can't sleep why couldn't have you got up for once to look after him.  I guess I am expecting a little to much again, ya know he never gets up with the baby to start with, why would he today????  So once I got done playing with the wee one, I was sitting here reading some blogs from others, and I get a smarky little comment of "well are you going to do dishes?"  What the fuck popped into my head again (no I didn't say it out loud, even though I wanted to), what are you doing?  Why can't you do the dishes for once?  Errrrrrr, I am just getting madder and madder, then he asks if I can up coffee on cause he wanted a cup,  I said no, you can!  He didn't like that!  I am not to sure what is up, with either of us.  He use to be pretty good with something around the house but now he expects me to do it all and all the time.  I don't know if I am over reacting today or what though, but he seemed to be pushing my buttons really well.

OK now with that vented out to  my fellow readers, I feel a little better.  Tomorrow is weigh in day, I truly don't think I have lost anything at all.  I know right now my problem is...... pop and portion control.  I have kinda gotten really lazy on the measuring of how much I am putting on my plate, and well lets face it that isn't going to help me lose much.  Sure I might be cooking healthier and more home made stuff but if I am having 2 cups of pasta when I really should only he having 3/4 of cup... it just its going to get weight moving down.  So this coming week that is my goal.  To start measuring out my food before it goes on my plate.  Might not be a large goal but its going to be one!

Needing a routine in life

So I have come to the conclusion that I need some structure in life, just like teaching a child while they are growing up.  I need that structure and routine to keep me on track and keep myself going.  I have been doing a lot of research and reading (a number of great blogs!) and have decided that I will start meal planning and making a daily routine for my day, the daycare day, my workouts, everything.  Now, I know before one says to me that routines aren't good because you can never follow them 100%.  I have come to realize that and I think I am able to take that into count too.  With running a home based daycare you can never be on time 100% cause kids are kids, out bursts, fights, fun, accidents happen.  I have run my daycare on a routine for a while and find it works fairly well most days, so why not try it in my everyday life too?  Whats really going to happen if I do try and its not right?  Nothing.  I will continue on like I am now that's all.  Things get done still, its just usually last minute and a stress over it then.  So I am going to try and pre-plan as much as possible and hope that things go with the follow.

I have sat down and made my daily schedule for Monday to Friday, leaving Saturday and Sundays open because there is often many things going on those days as a family.  I made my house clean schedule so that not everything is done on one day and makes me feel like I am cleaning forever.  I have also made a 2 week supper menu too, with recipes, calendar, and grocery list.  I am hoping to get to the lunch menu planning this afternoon while the young ones are napping.  Its a little harder to plan the lunch menus I find because kids seem to be picky with foods and I also have a lactose intolerant child in my care so that's a lot more to take into consideration.  I try to make as healthy meals as possible with a few food groups at lunch time.  

If I can keep on routine! I am hoping to be able to post my daily routine and food menu each night before bed.  If not the following morning.  As well as recipes (well the ones that turn out!) for each supper meal and possible lunch ones too.  

If any one out there knows some great healthy kid liking meals I can make for lunches, please pass them on!!! I would greatly appreciate it.

Yes I was pissed off!

All righty, I know I have been missing in action all week.  It sucks thats for sure.  I must admit I had a week from hell, all around.  Emotional, physical, mental, and food wise.  I just plain old screwed the whole week (and not as in the bed screw either, that ain't happening right now!)  So, I was just pissed off at the whole world and myself that I just didn't care what so ever.  BUT, today is a new day and I am back ater, gonna do this shit.

I love how I play mind games with myself and usually they end up with me totally failing all around.  I took a great course this weekend, it was really pertaining to childcare and daycare but I got alot out of it for myself.  They taught and talked about a lot of nutrition, the food guides, food portions, exercise in toddlers (although they had us doing some of the games to learn them and get moving, and I tell ya, I was working up a little sweat and huffing and puffing).  How said is it that a 25 year old (me!) works up a sweat doing toddler moving games, it didn't include running or anything.  I know I am fucking outta shape when this happened to me.  I was disgusted in myself.  But after all that was done, I came home and did my workout!!!!  I had the house to myself (which nearly never happens) and I pushed my way through my workout and even went a little longer then usual.  It felt great after I was done.  But now 2 days later my ass and legs are hurting yet again.  One day this pain will go away....Right?  Please someone tell me it doesn't last forever!

Any who, I am back on that damn wagon that keeps hitting the potholes in town and throwing me off.  Today's a new day!  This week I am still working on getting that disgusting water into me, still am hating every minute of it when I am drinking it, and keeping up with my workouts also. Haven't weighed this fat ass this week, cause I was to pissed off still yesterday to do it, maybe I will get a weigh in tonight or tomorrow morning.  I am scared to see what I am back up to that's for sure.

To call my own, I will

I have a car to call my own,
I have a house to call my own,
Not the parents, in-laws, or even the banks
I have a husband to call my own,
I have 3 great kids to call my own,
I have a cat and dog to call my own,
I have so many wonderful things in life to call my own.
Yet I don't have myself to call my own!
I hide behind the crowd, the clothes, the jewelry and make-up,
I know deep down there is the real me, the one to call my own.
The one to stand proud of who she really is.

I am embarrassed for my husband,
I am embarrassed for my kids,
I am embarrassed for my family,
I am embarrassed for my friends,
I am embarrassed that I let myself give into food,
self esteem, or lack there of.
I am embarrassed that I was lazy and lead an unhealthy
life style for so long.
I am embarrassed for myself.

I will over come this issue,
I will over come the food,
I will over come the laziness,
I will over come the self esteem problems,
I will over come the teasing.
I will become a new, happier, healthier, me!

I made it another week

So its Monday morning and I just weighted in.  My normal weigh in day is usually Sundays, but I forgot to do it yesterday morning because I was up early trying to finish every thing needed for the birthday/baptism.  And well to get 3 kids, a husband and myself ready is alot of work some days, ecspecaily when you are the ones being the center of attention that day.  I hate being the center of attention any time, besides having to stand up in front of a church full of family, friends, and community members.

Now that I weighed in, I was happy with the out come.  Yes it was a gain but not to bad, after my binge of cheesecake earlier in the week and with a lack of balance the last 3 days.  I was up .8 of a pound. So that puts me back to 226.4.  Along ways to go for goal yes, but I will do it! 

I have set 2 goals this week (so far).
1: to track, track, track that food that is going into my damn mouth.
2: to drink at least half my water intake a day.

I say half my water intake, because I will admit it.  I HATE WATER!  Unless its a hot day (and that aint happening any time soon, when its like -40C out there today with the wind).  So I want to start my self out slow so I know I can do it, and then keep adding more till I reach a comfort level of my water  intake.  I know it show be 8-8oz glasses a day, but what if that's just to much for my?  Should I really beat my self up because I can't get all my water in in a day?

OK so the outcome of my cake.... I know that's what you are really waiting for.  (Screw the rest of my week!)  I decided to take a shorter cut and not make Dora right out of cake.  Yes its was still a cake, but I left the cake in the form of the 9" X 13" pans a cooked it in.  And then used the fondant to make Dora instead.  I feel pretty good with the outcome, for a newbie.  Everyone seemed to have enjoyed it, and were pretty proud of my work.  They still don't know how I find the time to make these cakes and all the other crap I do.  But I think to myself, I am up early almost everyday (5:00 to 6:00am) and if I don't keep myself busy I will crash and if I crash nothing will get done then.  And if I do crash, then comes in the eating of shit food that I don't need, like chips, chocolate.....etc.  You get the bloody point, something that an over weight blob like me doesn't need.

starting weight 245
now 226.4
1st goal 220.5