I am so hungry!

Ok well first off just wanted to say I am SOME  what sorry for the frequent unneeded language in my last post!  Well, it might have been unneeded for you but I was venting!  Something I seem to be good at......

So this weekend I am pretty sure I could have eatin a freaking horse.  (Not that I would eat horse at all!) But I tell you I was so hungry and well as of now I still am.  I don't know why at all, TOM is not coming yet?!?!?!  But I haven't really caved in at all, a few crackers here and there but nothing huge at all, which is really good for me.  Usually I would go ahead and eat like there is no tomorrow when I feel like this.  Maybe things are finally starting to kick into me and I am getting on the right track for once and for all?  I don't know, but I am proud of myself for not caving into this hunger. 

Ok, well I guess I might  know why I am hungry right now, I have started to cut back my calories from about, umm who really knows how much.  Anywhere from 1500 to 1800 a day to around 1200.  Its not something I am going to do for long, but I just want to see a good change in weight for a little bit.  I feel if I do it to long I will start to seriously starve myself, but for a week or two, I am going to try to keep to the 1200 calorie mark.

I have found that one thing that is really helping me with hunger, when I know if I don't do something soon, I will be eating that whole bloody jar of cookies on top of my fridge.  That one thing is warming up some broth and drinking it slowly.  I have tried both vegetable and chicken broth so far (cause thats what I had in the fridge and opened on hand).  Both are low sodium and it just seems to help take that strong edge off my hunger.  No it doesn't take it right away but it helps me out for that time being.

I have also found my niche in getting my water intake up.  Cause any of you that have followed along with me for a bit, knows I HATE water!  I was doing the lemon in the water for a while, but it still just wasn't doing it for me, I would get a little more into me that way but still no where close to what I need.  So I have continues on with that, but I also add so Stevia sweetener to it.  For those who don't know what Stevia is.... its a natural sweetener and kinda tastes like Sugar Twin, I just find its not a sweet as ST is.  I still can't use it in my coffee though.  I need my coffee and I drink alot of it in a day, not just the morning but all day long!  And I am sorry I can drink a few cups black, but I will not be happy unless I have my REAL sugar in my morning coffee and at least my cup after lunch.  I am hoping to try and cut back on my coffee intake and replace it with tea.  I love tea, but yet again, I am one that likes a little sugar in my tea too.  Honey works for me that way, but still can't drink the tea straight.  Something I need to work on more I guess. 

A comfort in an awkward situation

So as most of you know, I am kinda new to this small town living.  Not brand new seems how we have lived out here in "butt-fuck no where land" for 2 years now.  I have said a number of times, that I feel lonely, not knowing to many people out here and with being shy and well being fat doesn't help either, I find it hard to make new friends.  Any how, this past Thursday one of the gals from town invited me over for coffee with some of the ladies around here.  Lets just say when I got the call and invite, I was jumping for joy.  Just like a little school girl, no it might not have been a pretty sight, but I was HAPPY to get that invite.  So of course I went and really enjoyed myself, as we were all talking about children's clothes (seems how there was about 10 kids running around the house at that time) and toys, it was brought up that a large town close to the city was having there annual garage sale.  So once again they all decided to go, at first I didn't say anything, because I don't know these ladies real well and didn't want to intrude on their plans.  It just isn't me to invite myself to things, even if it is kinda an open invitation. Just when I thought that their plans were made and once again I was kinda sitting there on the back burner, one of the mom's asked if I would be able to come.  Wow, I know I got the biggest grin on my face when I was asked, and well if these ladies knew me a little better, I probably would have done that happy dance again. 

So the next day we head off for lunch and garage sale shopping.  I am not one to shop and when I do I really prefer to be by myself to look at things and what not, but there was no way I was turning down this offer to make some kinda friendship out here.  I must say I did have a blast getting to know this group of ladies, yet at the same time I felt totally awkward again.  Yes, I didn't know half the people these girls were talking about, but on the other larger side I felt the awkwardness because yet again I was the fat one in the group.  Here is a table of 4 skinny mini's, whom have all had children with in the last 18 months some as little as 4 months ago. That at their heaviest, soaking wet, would probably weigh the same as one of my thighs.  It just really bothers me to be so much heavier then others I know.  I can't go shopping with my friends and find those "cute" clothes because lets admit it no "normal" store sells 1,2,3 XL clothing and those skinny friends don't want to go into plus sizes stores with you.

So in the end, I had a blast out with some girls from around town, but at the same time it also made me realize yet again, how much I need to keep myself on track to lose this weight.  So I can become comfortable with who I am when I am around others.  These two days brought alot of joy into my life yet at the same time, I was totally outta my comfort zone.  I guess in order to make new friendships you have to do that, just like exercising, if you don't leave the comfort zone and push your self that much harder you aren't doing much good.

Pain Killers and me don't get along!

OK my dear friends and followers...... No I have not abandon ship again, I know its been more then a week since my last blog but I have a reason other then hiding from the fact I feel off the wagon for the trillionth time.  Last Thursday night I hurt my back really bad.  My husband ended up taking me the the hospital a few towns over from us the next morning (Friday) because I wasn't able to move at all.  Its funny how the simplest things can hurt you.  All I was doing was bending over to pick up a towel and felt a "pop" in my lower back and I had instant pain and little to no mobility to walk, sit, or lay down.  It took me 10 minutes to walk from the bathroom to my nearest couch in the living, which is no more the 15 feet apart.  I don't think I slept at all that night.  So once getting to the hospital they gave my some Demerol and muscle relaxers.  Well lets just say neither of those worked and I was still in server pain.  The doctor didn't like the way things were going so he admitted me into the hospital and there I stayed all weekend.  Lets just remind you all if you don't know. I don't NOT like hospitals at all, I hate being away from my family and not always fond of nurses.  Well this stay wasn't as bad a being in a big city hospital because there was a whopping 3 of us that were in the hospital so I got the attention needed.  So on goes the fun all weekend of trying about 300 different pain killers, anti inflammatory and muscle relaxers (OK it wasn't that many but they tried alot till something finally worked!)  Finally late Sunday they let me out, even thought I was still in quite a bit of pain, it was better then Friday morning when I first got there.  Now for the rest of the week it has been improving and starting to get back to normal for the most part.  But I there hasn't been a day that I haven't been to some sort of doctor to get my back looked at or get this or that test done.  No one has figured out what I did to it yet, but the good news is that I haven't done any damage to the nerves or muscles.  So its one step closer to finding out kinda I guess.

So I have been told no vigorous exercise for a while and nothing to do with bending.   So out goes exercising for me.  Boohoo, I was looking forward to getting back into my Zumba class and boxing again, but I guess it is better to heal first and get better then it is to damage my back even more.  I have been OK with eating, making  healthier choice again and watching how much I eat at one time.  So that is a step forward on my weight loss journey again.  All though with that being said, the medication they have me on for pain is making me feel like a whale.  Man I am bloated and flying high for a good part of the day.  I am scared to step on the scale to see what I am at right now, because I am sure I will be up due to the meds but I also know that when I see that I am up I will be really upset about it.  So I am going to stay off the scale for a while.  But keep up with eating healthy and walking as much as a can.

So that is my last week in a nut shell.  I haven't lost my wagon but I have been set to the very edge of it for a while.  I will keep trekking on thought.

What I have I done????

OK my fellow readers.  If you are still with me I am surprised I haven't been all to good the last few weeks.  Not just with blogging, but with my whole life in general!  I hope all of you haven't been as stupid as me and let yourselves go.  All I have to say is that it was the wrong thing for me to do and I wish I had never done it. 

Life has kicked me in the ass, stomach, head, hell every part of me.  It seemed like every time I turned around, answered the phone, or read my messages it was shitty bad ass news.  And well lets see here, someone who is an emotional eater to start with and under a lot of stress, disappointment, and confusion.  I just gave up.  Gave up on eating healthy, on exercising, on looking towards the future and living the present.  There were days I am surprised I made it out of bed.  I guess if I didn't have my children to look after I would have stayed there.

Now that I have got that in the open, its time to start again (for about the millionth time).  I don't want to be fat any longer, I don't want to be out of breath when I play a simple game of hide and go seek with my kids, I don't want to be unhappy.  I want to be healthy, fit, slim, and happy and I am truly hoping one day I can be that.  I know this isn't a snap of the fingers and you are skinny but I just wish I can get it through this thick skull of mine that I need to work hard at it and all the time not just every now and then.

So I am going to try this battle once again and I am hoping that you will all stay with me.  With Spring coming time seems to be short often with so much going on, but I am hoping to keep you all posted and to get back to reading everyone else's blogs again. 

I wish you all the best and proud of every one of you that has made it this far its a tough road to go down!

Mother Nature... take a hike!

If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free x-ray and a pat down, and if you mention Al Queda, you get a free colonoscopy!. 

I received this as an e-mail last week and thought it was kinda cute!

I have noticed that I haven't blogged in a few days.  Wow, life has just been busy, busy, busy here.  With the children being off of school last week I had a house full for Ducky's Arts and Activity Centre and then on top of all that my 3 children were sick through out the past week too.  Now I think I am coming down with a cold AGAIN!  I can't seem to miss these things the last few years.  Any cold or flu that shows up in the community I seem to get it, since my first pregnancy I catch everything.  Before I got pregnant the first time, I was hardly ever sick now it feels like every other week I am.  Oh well live has to move on when you have family and work to do.

I took the weekend off of exercising and I wish I hadn't, when I went back to my boxing I sure noticed it in my arms.  It took a good 15 minutes for my arms to warm up and not hurt so much, but I pushed through that hurdle and kept going.  At one time I know I would have stopped before the pain did, because I just didn't want to work through it, things sure have changed and for a good way!  I just love this cardio workout, now. 

I got a facebook message yesterday from a lady here in town, she is trying to get a Zumba class together and was wondering who all would like to take it.  I jump on the opportunity, with living in a small town of about 215 people or so, there isn't much to offer for classes.  I would love if we could get enough people together to do this and maybe keep it up with a few sessions through out the year.  So I am keeping my fingers crossed all goes well and come April I can get these two left feet of mine moving even more!

As for my weigh in this past Sunday........... lets just say I was more then a little pissed off with it!  I worked out every day except the Saturday and ate pretty darn well and I was still up 1.6 pounds.  Now, I think I might know why, but still it makes me mad.  I have had mother nature visiting me for well over 2 weeks now....... and with her here she has brought havik on my body! The horrible cramping and bloating like you wouldn't believe.  Once again I go back to when I had my children.  After each child my periods got worse and worse, before my first I never had cramps, bloating, cravings, anything.  And then comes baby number one, I thought they were bad then.......hell now baby number 3 is here and they are 3 times worse!  Why is it that us  women have to go through all this crap????????  Once you are done having children, I think you should be done with your period to!

Any who, now that I kinda caught ya all up on my past week or so.  I hope you all have been doing better then I have and keep up with your hard work!

Who am I?

Last night I watched a movie called Nanny Dairies. Its a movie from 2007 so no its not a new release at all.  First I thought I would give you some in site on the movie before I get in to my actual post.

A college graduate goes to work as a nanny for a rich New York family. Ensconced in their home, she has to juggle their dysfunction, a new romance, and the spoiled brat in her charge. Directors: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini  Stars: Scarlett Johansson, Laura Linney and Paul Giamatti OK now that you have got the point of the story/movie, I just thought I would give you a little in site on the actual movie.  I will move on to my post..... Not to long into the movie Annie the main character was in an interview for a position in a large well know company.  The lady giving the interview asked Annie a good question that really got me thinking of myself for a bit.  The question was "OK, tell me who Annie Braddock is?"  Well of course Annie from the movie had a hard time with this answer as that's how the rest of the movie is played out, her trying to figure out who she really was. For me though, I took that same question just after I heard it and put my name in there. OK, tell me who Ashley Vipond is?   Wow, I really go thinking here, if I was ever asked this question by any one, how would I answer it.  Some may think, "oh, that's easy", but for me it really wasn't and even this morning when I got up I was still think about it.   Sure I know the facts and numbers of who I am. I was born June 4, I live at..... in Glenavon, I have 3 kids, 2 pets, I weight 223.8 pounds, I am 5'8" tall..... OK you get the point there.   But if asked by a person who is looking to hire me for a job and asked that question how would you answer it?  No, they don't care when you were born, that you have a cat and dog, or how tall you are.  (OK, for most job that's not important to know, there might be the odd ball job out there that needs some of that info from you).  They want to know what kind of person you really are.  To me, I don't know who I am really and its kinda bothering me.  Am I just a caregiver? A person who stays at home all day long?  Well sure that's my job but who am I other then that?  I'm a Sunday School teacher, A scrapbooker, a cook (or try to be cook!).  Is that who I am? A wife, a daughter, a friend..... I am all of those, but to me I don't feel like I really know who I am for some reason.  I don't know where I fit in, in this town of mine. I don't know why I am friends with some people........ All I know is that I am an over weight mom and wife trying to figure out how to get thinner and healthier.  But would that be who I am?  Or is there still more?  Its truly something to think about I'd say. Who are you? "Who Am I?" Who am I? My first answer would probably be my name. But, my name does not describe who I am on the inside. I could then give the title of my profession. But that is what I do. I could then tell you I am a wife, a sister, and a daughter. But those are my relationships. I ask again, who am I? I could describe myself as an extrovert and outgoing. That is my personality. I am organized in planning events. But that is a gift God has given me. I could describe my appearance, but that is not who I am either. So many times I have believed what others say I am. If I receive affirmation, then I feel worthwhile. However, when I receive criticism, then I feel like a failure. I have chosen to ride the roller coaster of emotions, Instead of believing the truth of what God says about me. I have tried to work harder to prove that I am worthwhile. Yet every time I mess up or fail, I am reminded that I will never measure up. I will never be pretty enough or talented enough. I will never be skinny enough or do enough good things of the church. I will never be a good enough wife or sister or daughter. But, I keep trying harder and harder. I believe the lie that if I continue to try harder, I will finally be "good" enough. ~ Written by: Shelley Hitz

The Wii

On Sunday while I was in the city I finally broke down and bought a Wii.  Both my husband and I are not big gaming people and we both have the same mind set that we don't want our children to be sitting in front of the t.v. for hours on end playing games either.  I rather have them outside running around (that's when its warm enough, it wont be happening today that for sure, its -41C out there this morning. (and once again I am for Canada, eh!  so that is Celsius not Fahrenheit)), or doing something with their imaginations inside, like crafts or playing with their toys.  Anyways on with my point!  I broke down and bought one after alot of pondering on it.  We thought at least the Wii gets us and the children moving while we are using it, we aren't just sitting there. 

Last night I hooked the system up and my husband and I tried some of the Wii Sports Resort and the Wii Fit Plus.  I enjoyed it, I must say that.  Not to good at alot of the games yet but time might come for some of them.  You see I have this inability to move my left arm and my right leg at the same time in different directions (and vise versea for the other side).  I have tried a number of work out videos that all seem to have these moves in them too.  I just can't do it, no matter how hard I try or even how slow I try.  I know I'm a gimp, I will be the first to admit it!  And I also can't seem to figure out step movements when doing... lets say a step class.  I just can't do it, tried it last night and again this morning and its a no go at this time. 

Through trying out a number of the games though I came to really like a few already.  The hula hooping is great, the free run, and some of the balancing ones.  I also like the biking and boxing with the Resort Plus.  Like I just mentioned both the hubby and I did some last night and after he left for work this morning, instead of sitting down on the couch and dosing off for a little longer I got my butt in move and put the games on again and did some more work outs.  I actually ran, no we will say jogged 10 minutes at once without stopping.  I was about 4 minutes into this free run game when I was ready to quit.  But I then thought to myself I can't, if I quit I wont know how many calories I just burned, and well I really like that part of the Wii Fit.  You do the work out and afterwards it lets you know how much you just burned. 

I came to one more final conclusion though.  If I want to actually work out and not play around on the Wii, I will not be doing it around my husband!  He can be a pain in the butt while you are trying to do it.  Not that he is trying to hinder my progress at all and I don't think he really realizes that he is getting in the road and on my nerves.  But when you are trying to concentrate on what you are suppose to be doing and trying to work hard at something and there is someone pinching you butt, snapping your panty line or bra and just plain old blabbing away at you about something totally off topic.  It just wasn't working for me, not when I was wanting to work out, I just want to do my thing and be left alone.  Its OK when I am not in it for the work out but just to have fun.  I think my work out with the Wii, will continue to be done in the mornings after he leaves for work!!!

Easy home exercises

Okay, so I have been doing some research on at home workouts.  I am not a fan of the gyms at this time and I know its something I really should over come, but that will be another challenge for myself in the near future.  For this time I have decided to try some work outs at home where I am the most comfortable. 

When in the city last week I bought myself a Resistance band, yet I didn't have the guts to use it until tonight.  Wow, what a work out.  Seems how I haven't done a whole lot of exercising since um....... grade 11, it isn't to hard to get my sweating and feeling the muscles working.

I attached my band to our basement steps and went at-er with the exercises that were sent with it.  Well, 20 minutes into my workout and my legs felt like jello and my face was raining.  It felt good to work out like that.  I have sat there on the comfort of my couch numerous times watching the "Biggest Loser" or "X-Weighted" and thought to myself wow, that is a work out they are doing.  Well, I was in their foot steps for a while tonight.  Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't working as hard as they were by any means.  But it sure feels great to actually do something like that for once.  (I might just keep up with this exercise thing!!!)

I also found a great way to really get those legs and butt burning, along with getting some abs working out too. And its something that 99% of you people can do in your own home.  There is no need for any fancy equipment, all you need is 2 face clothes or small towels and a smooth floor (hard wood, laminate, lino...). 

Here's what ya do:

Get in push-up position on floor, hands shoulder-width apart and feet on towels; tighten your abs so your body is straight from head to heels. Keeping upper body still, draw one knee at a time toward your hands [shown], moving as quickly as possible.  (This is also a good way to shine up those floors of yours!)  I did this for 5 minutes and thought I was going to die by the time I was done.  I kept going thinking to myself "Keep this up, you can look like the girl in that picture!"  Meaning the one to the right.

There are a few other great workouts with a towel on shape.com.  I haven't tried the other ones yet, as I am hardly able to walk after doing this towel exercise. I plan on trying another one tomorrow. 

Remember that working out doesn't always mean you need expensive equipment, it just means you need to keep you heart rate up to burn those calories. 

Phramacy in my house

So late yesterday afternoon the little one and I headed to Regina for a doctors appointment.  We have both had this cold and congestion hanging on to us for a good 6 weeks if not longer.  I wasn't to worried about myself but with my son only being 10 months I just wanted to make sure is wasn't anything worse.

As we were there I had a number of other things to point out to my doctor about both of us.  So what was a trip for hopefully some sort of penicillin, actually ended up with us coming home with 9 different medications between the two of us.  Wow, now to keep them straight?!?!?!  How many to take at what time, making sure I use the right one on the right person, some has to be refrigerated while others can't be in any light.... the list goes on.  So out comes the pen and paper this morning and the schedule making began, and is now on the fridge so both hubby and I know and remember.

As our appointment was late afternoon, I was going to have supper in the city.  I didn't eat lunch due to this, I knew I would stop at a fast food place, seems how I don't like to sit in a resturant by myself.  After picking up the meds I thought to myself.... no, I think I am going to go home and have something, instead of eating shit.  Then just about to leave the city, I get a message from the husband saying "treat yourself to supper, that they were going to the bar for theirs".  OK well now I was trying to figure out what I should really do or where to go if I do eat in the city.  I decided to grab something quick and chose Wendy's as the place to eat.  What a fucking mistake!!!!  Any other time I have had Wendy's its been pretty good, but not this time.  My chicken on my burger was rock hard, I believe I had about a pound of salt on my fries and my diet coke was actually coke.  Now I don't mind the drink being wrong, it was nice to have a regular coke, seems how I haven't had one since I started.  But I think I ate 6 fries and just couldn't have any more (I am one that doesn't really use salt on or in to much stuff at all).  I chocked down the chicken burger and headed home.  I was in one hell of a bad mood after my experience. 

Once home I put way all my items I purchased and helped get the kiddies off to bed.  Then I was starving so I look in the fridge, nothing I want.  I look in the cupboard, saw some rice cakes, opened the package only to realise I bought the sweet chili kind again and not the ketchup....... these ones seem to give me heart burn that lasts for days.  So into the cupboard they go again.  I was getting madder because I was hungry and nothing looked appealing.  So I had a glass of water (yep WATER!) and went to bed.  I wasn't going to keep walking back and forth from the fridge and cup boards, to find nothing and end up eating crap that I don't need. 

I woke up this morning not to hungry and in a better mood, so lets hope it continues on.....

To call my own, I will

I have a car to call my own,
I have a house to call my own,
Not the parents, in-laws, or even the banks
I have a husband to call my own,
I have 3 great kids to call my own,
I have a cat and dog to call my own,
I have so many wonderful things in life to call my own.
Yet I don't have myself to call my own!
I hide behind the crowd, the clothes, the jewelry and make-up,
I know deep down there is the real me, the one to call my own.
The one to stand proud of who she really is.

I am embarrassed for my husband,
I am embarrassed for my kids,
I am embarrassed for my family,
I am embarrassed for my friends,
I am embarrassed that I let myself give into food,
self esteem, or lack there of.
I am embarrassed that I was lazy and lead an unhealthy
life style for so long.
I am embarrassed for myself.

I will over come this issue,
I will over come the food,
I will over come the laziness,
I will over come the self esteem problems,
I will over come the teasing.
I will become a new, happier, healthier, me!

I made it another week

So its Monday morning and I just weighted in.  My normal weigh in day is usually Sundays, but I forgot to do it yesterday morning because I was up early trying to finish every thing needed for the birthday/baptism.  And well to get 3 kids, a husband and myself ready is alot of work some days, ecspecaily when you are the ones being the center of attention that day.  I hate being the center of attention any time, besides having to stand up in front of a church full of family, friends, and community members.

Now that I weighed in, I was happy with the out come.  Yes it was a gain but not to bad, after my binge of cheesecake earlier in the week and with a lack of balance the last 3 days.  I was up .8 of a pound. So that puts me back to 226.4.  Along ways to go for goal yes, but I will do it! 

I have set 2 goals this week (so far).
1: to track, track, track that food that is going into my damn mouth.
2: to drink at least half my water intake a day.

I say half my water intake, because I will admit it.  I HATE WATER!  Unless its a hot day (and that aint happening any time soon, when its like -40C out there today with the wind).  So I want to start my self out slow so I know I can do it, and then keep adding more till I reach a comfort level of my water  intake.  I know it show be 8-8oz glasses a day, but what if that's just to much for my?  Should I really beat my self up because I can't get all my water in in a day?

OK so the outcome of my cake.... I know that's what you are really waiting for.  (Screw the rest of my week!)  I decided to take a shorter cut and not make Dora right out of cake.  Yes its was still a cake, but I left the cake in the form of the 9" X 13" pans a cooked it in.  And then used the fondant to make Dora instead.  I feel pretty good with the outcome, for a newbie.  Everyone seemed to have enjoyed it, and were pretty proud of my work.  They still don't know how I find the time to make these cakes and all the other crap I do.  But I think to myself, I am up early almost everyday (5:00 to 6:00am) and if I don't keep myself busy I will crash and if I crash nothing will get done then.  And if I do crash, then comes in the eating of shit food that I don't need, like chips, chocolate.....etc.  You get the bloody point, something that an over weight blob like me doesn't need.

starting weight 245
now 226.4
1st goal 220.5

The kick off

So I decided that enough was enough back on November 4, 2010.  I was tired of being the fat mom with no energy, no clothes that fit, and in one hell for a shit hole of emotions.  As of today, I have lost 19.6 pounds in my journey so far.  This journey is consisting of the Weight Watchers Online program to keep me in order, but also the fact that I am prepared to beat this fat once and for all.

All my life that I can remember I was over weight, as those who like to put it nicely.  In other words yes I have always been fat (I am not going to pussy foot around here!).  I was made fun of through grade school, high school, and even as an adult walking down the street or at the mall.  My all time largest was a topping 245 pounds.  How and why I let myself get this fucking big, I don't know.  Well yes I do know why.... I love food, I hate food, I have problems with food, I have shitty eating habits in numerous ways.  I am planning on tackling each and everyone along the way. 

This blog is going to not only my weight loss journey to a fabulous new me, but I am hoping to post recipes (the ones that I like and that turn out!), everyday mishaps and trails, and the great emotions that come along with a crazy shit full life. Yes this blog will contain some unknown "french" language and like I mentioned above, I ain't going to pussy foot around its all coming out. 

Please feel free to comment or e-mail me, with your stories, news, motivation, or whatever the hell you want to.  I will try to respond to any appropriate messages as soon as I am able to.