Counting Sucks

So the last while I have been weighing and measuring most of my food that I have been eating. Which is great for me, but there is one little problem I still seem to be having..... I am not losing weight?!?!  I was getting frustrated over this and then my dear friend Racheal did her weekly check in with me (cause the little lady loves me so much, she keeps track of me!) and when she asked how I was doing I told her.  Well you all know what the first thing she said to me:  "are you measuring and TRACKING your food?"  Well sure like I said I was measuring that crap like no tomorrow most of the time, but I haven't been tracking my food intake lately.  This kinda keyed into me right away after she asked it.  How the hell do I know how much I am eating in calories if I am not tracking.  For a normal person this might be fine, they can eat what ever they really want, but for me its something I have to do.  I am not able to at this time, I need to keep tight reins on myself, till I totally learn how to control my eating habits, till I really learn how much I can eat in a day.  I know for many it come easily to them, but for me this journey seems to be a hell ride and hopefully one day I will break free of it all.  As for now, I have to remember to take it one day at a time and also that I am doing this to become a healthier me, not only a skinnier me.  I need to be here for my kids, my husband, and one day maybe my grandkids (that will be way in the future, seems how my monkey man is only 6!).

I am one lucky lady to have such a great friend to stand beside me and check in on me so often, even if we are hundreds of miles apart.  I have a mother who is so supportive and knows the struggles of losing weight and how hard it is to do it and stay focused.  My husband supports me in anything I do, and I love him for that.  He says he loves me no matter what size I am and he will stand behind if I lose the weight or not.  Its not him I am losing it for, its me.  Its so I can be with him for longer and be a healthier me while at it.  I know there is no guarantee for tomorrow if live but I can dream that we will grow old together. I also love the support I get from all you followers, whether its a comment for just reading your blogs.  It helps me so much to know others feel and experience the same things as I do in this journey.  Thank you all!

I am so hungry!

Ok well first off just wanted to say I am SOME  what sorry for the frequent unneeded language in my last post!  Well, it might have been unneeded for you but I was venting!  Something I seem to be good at......

So this weekend I am pretty sure I could have eatin a freaking horse.  (Not that I would eat horse at all!) But I tell you I was so hungry and well as of now I still am.  I don't know why at all, TOM is not coming yet?!?!?!  But I haven't really caved in at all, a few crackers here and there but nothing huge at all, which is really good for me.  Usually I would go ahead and eat like there is no tomorrow when I feel like this.  Maybe things are finally starting to kick into me and I am getting on the right track for once and for all?  I don't know, but I am proud of myself for not caving into this hunger. 

Ok, well I guess I might  know why I am hungry right now, I have started to cut back my calories from about, umm who really knows how much.  Anywhere from 1500 to 1800 a day to around 1200.  Its not something I am going to do for long, but I just want to see a good change in weight for a little bit.  I feel if I do it to long I will start to seriously starve myself, but for a week or two, I am going to try to keep to the 1200 calorie mark.

I have found that one thing that is really helping me with hunger, when I know if I don't do something soon, I will be eating that whole bloody jar of cookies on top of my fridge.  That one thing is warming up some broth and drinking it slowly.  I have tried both vegetable and chicken broth so far (cause thats what I had in the fridge and opened on hand).  Both are low sodium and it just seems to help take that strong edge off my hunger.  No it doesn't take it right away but it helps me out for that time being.

I have also found my niche in getting my water intake up.  Cause any of you that have followed along with me for a bit, knows I HATE water!  I was doing the lemon in the water for a while, but it still just wasn't doing it for me, I would get a little more into me that way but still no where close to what I need.  So I have continues on with that, but I also add so Stevia sweetener to it.  For those who don't know what Stevia is.... its a natural sweetener and kinda tastes like Sugar Twin, I just find its not a sweet as ST is.  I still can't use it in my coffee though.  I need my coffee and I drink alot of it in a day, not just the morning but all day long!  And I am sorry I can drink a few cups black, but I will not be happy unless I have my REAL sugar in my morning coffee and at least my cup after lunch.  I am hoping to try and cut back on my coffee intake and replace it with tea.  I love tea, but yet again, I am one that likes a little sugar in my tea too.  Honey works for me that way, but still can't drink the tea straight.  Something I need to work on more I guess. 

What the Fuck is Balance in Life?

Hey y'all, I am still kicking and haven't totally fallen off of the wagon for a while now.  Well not the weight loss wagon at least, just the blogging wagon!  Wow, time is falling by me faster then I can even imagine and next thing I know its weeks since I wrote a post. Hmm, I have been trying to find a balance of work (oh fuck what work.... its wetter then hell out here and none of my full time kids are coming due to that!), family life and my weight loss/exercise life.  Ok don't go bitching me out yet, I know its all one life I live, just different areas I am trying to keep a float right now.

So for working life.....

When I have kids, which like I said is very few and far between right now, because my full time parents all work out side and well when your work site is flooded out due to water from the freaking snow we had all winter and then the bloody rain that seems to keep coming, it kinda hard to work.  But there is the odd day in the week I have one extra little kiddy running around my house.  I am hoping soon things will pick up again, money is getting really tight, and no so easy to pay off loans I took out for this daycare business when I don't have money coming into to pay them.  Thank the lord, most of the loans were from family member's that understand and are willing and able to wait a little longer to get their money back.  My I love my family, just hate the thought of having to keep them waiting so long..... any who this paragraph really has shit all to do with weight loss or anything in general!!! Sorry for boring you about all that crap.

Family life.......

At this time isn't all to bad at all.  One plus on my side with the fucked up Spring we have had, I get to see my husband more then usual.  Cause lets face it again, they aren't out seeding cause all of our fields are under water!  So instead of coming home from his full time job in the city and have the quickest supper one could imagine and then running out to the field to relieve his dad for the evening, he gets to just stay home and help out with the kids.  On the other hand, if (and that's the biggest fucking IF one could say) the weather co-operates we really wont be seeing much of him cause they will be working 24-7 to get those crops in.  As for my own kids, lets just say they are keeping me very busy too.  Both my oldest son and my daughter are in soccer this year, which runs twice a week, so that eats up a full evening, seems how we live a good half hour from the town we play in and they are practicing for an hour and a half.  Good thing soccer season here only runs for a few months!  It wears me out and I am just the momma driving not the kids playing.  And wee one.... wow, does he get into mischief and keep me going too.  He is just starting to walk and well, I don't want him to yet. He is my baby and my last baby, and he's just growing up way to fast for my liking.  Along with soccer and running after the 14 month old, I am still tutoring my son on the evenings he isn't playing sports with his writing, reading and fine motor skills.  We are thinking he is finally catching up a bit and hopefully by the beginning of next school year he will be right where he needs to be to start Grade 2 and not be behind.  Its truly hard to deal with all this and not blame yourself on why things happen to your children.  I keep thinking its my fault he has a learning disorder, I must have done something while I was pregnant for this to happen, or I didn't try hard enough to teach him when he was little.  These are all things that have run through my mind the last while on why he has a learning disorder.

Weight loss and exercise life.....

Wow, now this is very time consuming!  But I have been doing good and have lost almost 20 pounds in the last month or so.  Now of course some of this has to do with a change in my medications but still alot has to do with excising my ASS off.  I try to get 2 hours a day in for exercising, and lets say that ain't easy with a family of 4 and myself along with everything else that has to get done in a day.  I try to do a good hour in the morning and a half hour at "quiet time" in the afternoon and another half hour after the kidlets are in bed.  Now, before you go giving my shit again.  I know its better to do it all at once to keep your heart rate up and going, but it just doesn't work for me that way.  I get up at 4:45 am, already I am not getting up any earlier when I don't get to bed till 11 pm or later some nights.  So, I have found breaking it up this way is the only way I can get it all in.  And as for my eating, for the most part I am doing pretty darn good.  I have stopped following Weight Watchers for now and I am counting calories in and calories out, which to me is just as time consuming as WW. 

alot left at the end of a day to do.  But I just remember there is always tomorrow for it!!!! 

A comfort in an awkward situation

So as most of you know, I am kinda new to this small town living.  Not brand new seems how we have lived out here in "butt-fuck no where land" for 2 years now.  I have said a number of times, that I feel lonely, not knowing to many people out here and with being shy and well being fat doesn't help either, I find it hard to make new friends.  Any how, this past Thursday one of the gals from town invited me over for coffee with some of the ladies around here.  Lets just say when I got the call and invite, I was jumping for joy.  Just like a little school girl, no it might not have been a pretty sight, but I was HAPPY to get that invite.  So of course I went and really enjoyed myself, as we were all talking about children's clothes (seems how there was about 10 kids running around the house at that time) and toys, it was brought up that a large town close to the city was having there annual garage sale.  So once again they all decided to go, at first I didn't say anything, because I don't know these ladies real well and didn't want to intrude on their plans.  It just isn't me to invite myself to things, even if it is kinda an open invitation. Just when I thought that their plans were made and once again I was kinda sitting there on the back burner, one of the mom's asked if I would be able to come.  Wow, I know I got the biggest grin on my face when I was asked, and well if these ladies knew me a little better, I probably would have done that happy dance again. 

So the next day we head off for lunch and garage sale shopping.  I am not one to shop and when I do I really prefer to be by myself to look at things and what not, but there was no way I was turning down this offer to make some kinda friendship out here.  I must say I did have a blast getting to know this group of ladies, yet at the same time I felt totally awkward again.  Yes, I didn't know half the people these girls were talking about, but on the other larger side I felt the awkwardness because yet again I was the fat one in the group.  Here is a table of 4 skinny mini's, whom have all had children with in the last 18 months some as little as 4 months ago. That at their heaviest, soaking wet, would probably weigh the same as one of my thighs.  It just really bothers me to be so much heavier then others I know.  I can't go shopping with my friends and find those "cute" clothes because lets admit it no "normal" store sells 1,2,3 XL clothing and those skinny friends don't want to go into plus sizes stores with you.

So in the end, I had a blast out with some girls from around town, but at the same time it also made me realize yet again, how much I need to keep myself on track to lose this weight.  So I can become comfortable with who I am when I am around others.  These two days brought alot of joy into my life yet at the same time, I was totally outta my comfort zone.  I guess in order to make new friendships you have to do that, just like exercising, if you don't leave the comfort zone and push your self that much harder you aren't doing much good.