What the Fuck is Balance in Life?

Hey y'all, I am still kicking and haven't totally fallen off of the wagon for a while now.  Well not the weight loss wagon at least, just the blogging wagon!  Wow, time is falling by me faster then I can even imagine and next thing I know its weeks since I wrote a post. Hmm, I have been trying to find a balance of work (oh fuck what work.... its wetter then hell out here and none of my full time kids are coming due to that!), family life and my weight loss/exercise life.  Ok don't go bitching me out yet, I know its all one life I live, just different areas I am trying to keep a float right now.

So for working life.....

When I have kids, which like I said is very few and far between right now, because my full time parents all work out side and well when your work site is flooded out due to water from the freaking snow we had all winter and then the bloody rain that seems to keep coming, it kinda hard to work.  But there is the odd day in the week I have one extra little kiddy running around my house.  I am hoping soon things will pick up again, money is getting really tight, and no so easy to pay off loans I took out for this daycare business when I don't have money coming into to pay them.  Thank the lord, most of the loans were from family member's that understand and are willing and able to wait a little longer to get their money back.  My I love my family, just hate the thought of having to keep them waiting so long..... any who this paragraph really has shit all to do with weight loss or anything in general!!! Sorry for boring you about all that crap.

Family life.......

At this time isn't all to bad at all.  One plus on my side with the fucked up Spring we have had, I get to see my husband more then usual.  Cause lets face it again, they aren't out seeding cause all of our fields are under water!  So instead of coming home from his full time job in the city and have the quickest supper one could imagine and then running out to the field to relieve his dad for the evening, he gets to just stay home and help out with the kids.  On the other hand, if (and that's the biggest fucking IF one could say) the weather co-operates we really wont be seeing much of him cause they will be working 24-7 to get those crops in.  As for my own kids, lets just say they are keeping me very busy too.  Both my oldest son and my daughter are in soccer this year, which runs twice a week, so that eats up a full evening, seems how we live a good half hour from the town we play in and they are practicing for an hour and a half.  Good thing soccer season here only runs for a few months!  It wears me out and I am just the momma driving not the kids playing.  And wee one.... wow, does he get into mischief and keep me going too.  He is just starting to walk and well, I don't want him to yet. He is my baby and my last baby, and he's just growing up way to fast for my liking.  Along with soccer and running after the 14 month old, I am still tutoring my son on the evenings he isn't playing sports with his writing, reading and fine motor skills.  We are thinking he is finally catching up a bit and hopefully by the beginning of next school year he will be right where he needs to be to start Grade 2 and not be behind.  Its truly hard to deal with all this and not blame yourself on why things happen to your children.  I keep thinking its my fault he has a learning disorder, I must have done something while I was pregnant for this to happen, or I didn't try hard enough to teach him when he was little.  These are all things that have run through my mind the last while on why he has a learning disorder.

Weight loss and exercise life.....

Wow, now this is very time consuming!  But I have been doing good and have lost almost 20 pounds in the last month or so.  Now of course some of this has to do with a change in my medications but still alot has to do with excising my ASS off.  I try to get 2 hours a day in for exercising, and lets say that ain't easy with a family of 4 and myself along with everything else that has to get done in a day.  I try to do a good hour in the morning and a half hour at "quiet time" in the afternoon and another half hour after the kidlets are in bed.  Now, before you go giving my shit again.  I know its better to do it all at once to keep your heart rate up and going, but it just doesn't work for me that way.  I get up at 4:45 am, already I am not getting up any earlier when I don't get to bed till 11 pm or later some nights.  So, I have found breaking it up this way is the only way I can get it all in.  And as for my eating, for the most part I am doing pretty darn good.  I have stopped following Weight Watchers for now and I am counting calories in and calories out, which to me is just as time consuming as WW. 

alot left at the end of a day to do.  But I just remember there is always tomorrow for it!!!! 

A comfort in an awkward situation

So as most of you know, I am kinda new to this small town living.  Not brand new seems how we have lived out here in "butt-fuck no where land" for 2 years now.  I have said a number of times, that I feel lonely, not knowing to many people out here and with being shy and well being fat doesn't help either, I find it hard to make new friends.  Any how, this past Thursday one of the gals from town invited me over for coffee with some of the ladies around here.  Lets just say when I got the call and invite, I was jumping for joy.  Just like a little school girl, no it might not have been a pretty sight, but I was HAPPY to get that invite.  So of course I went and really enjoyed myself, as we were all talking about children's clothes (seems how there was about 10 kids running around the house at that time) and toys, it was brought up that a large town close to the city was having there annual garage sale.  So once again they all decided to go, at first I didn't say anything, because I don't know these ladies real well and didn't want to intrude on their plans.  It just isn't me to invite myself to things, even if it is kinda an open invitation. Just when I thought that their plans were made and once again I was kinda sitting there on the back burner, one of the mom's asked if I would be able to come.  Wow, I know I got the biggest grin on my face when I was asked, and well if these ladies knew me a little better, I probably would have done that happy dance again. 

So the next day we head off for lunch and garage sale shopping.  I am not one to shop and when I do I really prefer to be by myself to look at things and what not, but there was no way I was turning down this offer to make some kinda friendship out here.  I must say I did have a blast getting to know this group of ladies, yet at the same time I felt totally awkward again.  Yes, I didn't know half the people these girls were talking about, but on the other larger side I felt the awkwardness because yet again I was the fat one in the group.  Here is a table of 4 skinny mini's, whom have all had children with in the last 18 months some as little as 4 months ago. That at their heaviest, soaking wet, would probably weigh the same as one of my thighs.  It just really bothers me to be so much heavier then others I know.  I can't go shopping with my friends and find those "cute" clothes because lets admit it no "normal" store sells 1,2,3 XL clothing and those skinny friends don't want to go into plus sizes stores with you.

So in the end, I had a blast out with some girls from around town, but at the same time it also made me realize yet again, how much I need to keep myself on track to lose this weight.  So I can become comfortable with who I am when I am around others.  These two days brought alot of joy into my life yet at the same time, I was totally outta my comfort zone.  I guess in order to make new friendships you have to do that, just like exercising, if you don't leave the comfort zone and push your self that much harder you aren't doing much good.

What I have I done????

OK my fellow readers.  If you are still with me I am surprised I haven't been all to good the last few weeks.  Not just with blogging, but with my whole life in general!  I hope all of you haven't been as stupid as me and let yourselves go.  All I have to say is that it was the wrong thing for me to do and I wish I had never done it. 

Life has kicked me in the ass, stomach, head, hell every part of me.  It seemed like every time I turned around, answered the phone, or read my messages it was shitty bad ass news.  And well lets see here, someone who is an emotional eater to start with and under a lot of stress, disappointment, and confusion.  I just gave up.  Gave up on eating healthy, on exercising, on looking towards the future and living the present.  There were days I am surprised I made it out of bed.  I guess if I didn't have my children to look after I would have stayed there.

Now that I have got that in the open, its time to start again (for about the millionth time).  I don't want to be fat any longer, I don't want to be out of breath when I play a simple game of hide and go seek with my kids, I don't want to be unhappy.  I want to be healthy, fit, slim, and happy and I am truly hoping one day I can be that.  I know this isn't a snap of the fingers and you are skinny but I just wish I can get it through this thick skull of mine that I need to work hard at it and all the time not just every now and then.

So I am going to try this battle once again and I am hoping that you will all stay with me.  With Spring coming time seems to be short often with so much going on, but I am hoping to keep you all posted and to get back to reading everyone else's blogs again. 

I wish you all the best and proud of every one of you that has made it this far its a tough road to go down!

Oh what a week

So I can't say I fell off the wagon totally this week but I defiantly had alot of struggles.  A long time school friend of mine lost her mother to cancer last week and with that information  I have found myself really worrying and thinking about my own family.  My dad has cancer and while I am no longer really close to him like I was when I was a child, it breaks my heart to think I could loss him at a young age also.  Not only myself being younger but also my father as he is only in his yearly 50's.  Go to this ladies funeral only mad it more surreal to me, that I too really could be planning my fathers funeral in the near future.  I don't want to do that, I love my dad no matter what, he is my father but at the same time he has hurt me in so many ways and I just don't know how to deal with it any longer.I don't know what to do or think about the whole situation and what could come to be in the near future.  As for that, instead of talking to others, like my mom, husband or close friends, what do I do???? YES you are right I turned to food yet again.  Why I don't know?  I need to figure out, retrain myself not to turn to food for comfort.  Its really not going to talk me through my emotions more tell me how I should deal with things, all the food is doing is killing me faster too.  I don't want that, I want to be here for my family, my husband, my children.  If I keep turning to food the way I do all I am doing is hindering my journey to a healthier me, a skinnier me, a more active me.  So for this week I have jumped back on the the healthy wagon and I am going to keep moving forward, I am not going to give into my destructive ways again.  I know I can do this no matter what comes my way or how hard it really is.  I am a strong person and I need to keep strong for my family.

Who am I?

Last night I watched a movie called Nanny Dairies. Its a movie from 2007 so no its not a new release at all.  First I thought I would give you some in site on the movie before I get in to my actual post.

A college graduate goes to work as a nanny for a rich New York family. Ensconced in their home, she has to juggle their dysfunction, a new romance, and the spoiled brat in her charge. Directors: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini  Stars: Scarlett Johansson, Laura Linney and Paul Giamatti OK now that you have got the point of the story/movie, I just thought I would give you a little in site on the actual movie.  I will move on to my post..... Not to long into the movie Annie the main character was in an interview for a position in a large well know company.  The lady giving the interview asked Annie a good question that really got me thinking of myself for a bit.  The question was "OK, tell me who Annie Braddock is?"  Well of course Annie from the movie had a hard time with this answer as that's how the rest of the movie is played out, her trying to figure out who she really was. For me though, I took that same question just after I heard it and put my name in there. OK, tell me who Ashley Vipond is?   Wow, I really go thinking here, if I was ever asked this question by any one, how would I answer it.  Some may think, "oh, that's easy", but for me it really wasn't and even this morning when I got up I was still think about it.   Sure I know the facts and numbers of who I am. I was born June 4, I live at..... in Glenavon, I have 3 kids, 2 pets, I weight 223.8 pounds, I am 5'8" tall..... OK you get the point there.   But if asked by a person who is looking to hire me for a job and asked that question how would you answer it?  No, they don't care when you were born, that you have a cat and dog, or how tall you are.  (OK, for most job that's not important to know, there might be the odd ball job out there that needs some of that info from you).  They want to know what kind of person you really are.  To me, I don't know who I am really and its kinda bothering me.  Am I just a caregiver? A person who stays at home all day long?  Well sure that's my job but who am I other then that?  I'm a Sunday School teacher, A scrapbooker, a cook (or try to be cook!).  Is that who I am? A wife, a daughter, a friend..... I am all of those, but to me I don't feel like I really know who I am for some reason.  I don't know where I fit in, in this town of mine. I don't know why I am friends with some people........ All I know is that I am an over weight mom and wife trying to figure out how to get thinner and healthier.  But would that be who I am?  Or is there still more?  Its truly something to think about I'd say. Who are you? "Who Am I?" Who am I? My first answer would probably be my name. But, my name does not describe who I am on the inside. I could then give the title of my profession. But that is what I do. I could then tell you I am a wife, a sister, and a daughter. But those are my relationships. I ask again, who am I? I could describe myself as an extrovert and outgoing. That is my personality. I am organized in planning events. But that is a gift God has given me. I could describe my appearance, but that is not who I am either. So many times I have believed what others say I am. If I receive affirmation, then I feel worthwhile. However, when I receive criticism, then I feel like a failure. I have chosen to ride the roller coaster of emotions, Instead of believing the truth of what God says about me. I have tried to work harder to prove that I am worthwhile. Yet every time I mess up or fail, I am reminded that I will never measure up. I will never be pretty enough or talented enough. I will never be skinny enough or do enough good things of the church. I will never be a good enough wife or sister or daughter. But, I keep trying harder and harder. I believe the lie that if I continue to try harder, I will finally be "good" enough. ~ Written by: Shelley Hitz

The number 23

Okay so I just noticed this while looking at my dashboard..... I just wrote my 23rd post Wine and Dine and I now have 23 followers.  I thought I would keep this post going for a bit now that you are reading it!!!!  I know I just finished one, but I do have some many idea's in my head to write about!!!! This one wont be long though.  I just want to thank you, my followers.  Every time I log on to Blogger and notice another person is now following my blog, I get excited.  Not only am I doing this for myself, but hopefully I can hope others out too.  Whether that be from a recipe, encouragement, a photo, what not, everything little thing helps us out.  I get so many great comments from you all, and it really helps to keep me going.  I try to comment on all the blogs I follow, just cause I know how it feels to receive a comment.  Especially when you are just starting out, and after a while you are unsure if what you are doing is worth while or not, just know it is.  There has been a few mornings this week that I get up and think to myself, oh I don't want to work out, maybe I will do it tonight.  I get to the computer and start reading some of the new posts and all of a sudden I get the erg to go do my exercises.  I don't know whether it because of all your encouraging words and all of your hard work that makes me feel this way. Or if it is because, if I don't do my exercises I feel I am not only letting me down, but all of you my followers?!?! Either way, lets all keep up the hard work and cheer each other on.  We call all do it, whether is losing the weight or maintaining it, we can all get health as long as we put our selves into it and remember that its a whole new life style then what we are use to!

THANK YOU ALL!

Sunday....

Just a quick blog before I head off to bed.  I have a number of things to write about but that will be for tomorrow!!!!  Today I headed into the city to get groceries.  I was in need of them badly, wasn't much food left in my house and with started my routine tomorrow morning I needed to get prepared.  So off I went with my shopping lists in hand and bought some yummy food and ingredients.  I love grocery shopping now, since I started my weight loss journey and making a healthier life style for my family and I.  Before I would head to the store and buy junk.  Processed this and processed that, a few apples or oranges and um chips, chocolate, etc (you know how it goes!).  Now I am happy with walking up and down the aisles looking for ingredients I need to make meals myself, reading nutrition labels and diving into the fresh produce section of the store and filling my cart full of those yummy things, FRUITS and VEGGIES!  Any who, the highways were shitty today, what should have taken just over an hour to get from home to Regina, it took me just about 2 hours.  I have a lead foot and like to speed a little (I can thank my Granny for that one ;)) and having to drive 60 to 70 KM (Yes, I am from Canada, eh!  So that is kilometers an hour not miles)  was horrible and irritating to me.  But I did it because the roads were like ice and I really did not want to end up in the ditch. 

I got home again and started supper for the family and put away the yummy food I bought.  Later this evening I was organizing tomorrows plan, so I texted my one mom whom brings her little one here to be looked after.  I find out that he wont be coming tomorrow and most of the week.  I am starting to get a little worried and stressed out right now.  I started Ducky's Arts and Activity Centre back in September.  I am a daycare centre which is ran out of my home.  But the last few months I don't really seem to have any full time kids.  Before Christmas all was going well I had 2 full time and one part time, now it seem to be 2 part time and one drop in.  I know, some of the parents work schedules are slow right now, but I can't help but to think "Am I doing something wrong?".  Are my rates to high? Do the kids not like it here?  Or whats going on that I seem to have lost my full time children.  Its really starting to bother me and I am kind wishing I knew what was going on.  Its hard to plan things when you don't know how many you are going to have and money wise isn't always easy either.  I am wondering if I might be smarter looking for an actual job out side of home somewhere?!?!?  At least I would know I have an income coming in.  I love what I am doing but at the same time I just can't help but to worry I am doing something wrong.  OK, I know this last paragraph has nothing to do with weight loss or anything really related to it.  But, I had to get it off my chest.  I tend to let these kind of things build up in me and I then eat instead of trying to figure it out.  So in the long run, it does kinda have something to do with my journey, if I journal it out, may I wont eat cause I have been able to think about it a bit more?!?!?!  Anyone else do this to them self's often?

I stepped on it finally

Well this morning I decided to man up.  No, no, WOMAN up! And step on the hated scale of mine, usually I am addicted to my scale but the past two weeks, I have had it hiding under my bed and not wanting to look at, step on it or end move it to get the cat out from under the bed.  My cat is a huge fur ball and seems to make his way under our bad often and then mews his head off, for some reason.  Its not like he is stuck under there I can get him out just fine?!?! Anyways, now that I got side tracked.... I step on the scale and it read 222.8.  Yep, I am down.  It made me feel a lot better, to know I am down and not up 2, 5, or 10 pounds.  Hurray, I don't have that scale no more.  I know weigh in day is only 2 days away but I just had to do it this morning, I got the urge and needed to know what it was going to tell me.

Now that I am uppity in the mood area, it might just help me to finish my routine schedule, seems how I start Monday morning with it!  I wasn't able to get my lunch menu planned yesterday like I had hoped to.  Instead I was doing daycare paperwork.  Gotta love the paper work!!  Actually, in all honesty I do love doing paper work.  Its a joy of mine, I know you can call me crazy and stupid or even a moron for liking it, I'll let you!

Here's to a good day...... I don't want to say great, cause I don't have many of those days right now, but things are looking up. 

Starting weigh: 245
Current: 222.8
Lost so far: 22.2
1st Goal: 220.5