What I have I done????

OK my fellow readers.  If you are still with me I am surprised I haven't been all to good the last few weeks.  Not just with blogging, but with my whole life in general!  I hope all of you haven't been as stupid as me and let yourselves go.  All I have to say is that it was the wrong thing for me to do and I wish I had never done it. 

Life has kicked me in the ass, stomach, head, hell every part of me.  It seemed like every time I turned around, answered the phone, or read my messages it was shitty bad ass news.  And well lets see here, someone who is an emotional eater to start with and under a lot of stress, disappointment, and confusion.  I just gave up.  Gave up on eating healthy, on exercising, on looking towards the future and living the present.  There were days I am surprised I made it out of bed.  I guess if I didn't have my children to look after I would have stayed there.

Now that I have got that in the open, its time to start again (for about the millionth time).  I don't want to be fat any longer, I don't want to be out of breath when I play a simple game of hide and go seek with my kids, I don't want to be unhappy.  I want to be healthy, fit, slim, and happy and I am truly hoping one day I can be that.  I know this isn't a snap of the fingers and you are skinny but I just wish I can get it through this thick skull of mine that I need to work hard at it and all the time not just every now and then.

So I am going to try this battle once again and I am hoping that you will all stay with me.  With Spring coming time seems to be short often with so much going on, but I am hoping to keep you all posted and to get back to reading everyone else's blogs again. 

I wish you all the best and proud of every one of you that has made it this far its a tough road to go down!

Healthy eating

On Sunday while my husband and I were in the city we went to Burger King for lunch...... I didn't feel so well after eating.  When getting back into town Sunday evening we had supper at the in-laws, it was pizza. I really wasn't feeling good after that.  I am thankful for the supper, as it was a nice thought for my in-laws to invite us to stay and it was yummy pizza, but my stomach was to happy with me.  Last night I wasn't in the mood to make a big supper so I throw on some sausage.....BIG MISTAKE!  Yes it was home made sausage and not as greasy as store bought but still after my eating on Sunday it just wasn't a good idea.  My stomach is still turning and feeling yucky.  I have now realized all this healthy eating we have been doing the last 5 months really has done something for us.  I mentioned to my husband that I didn't feel to well after eating all this greasy food the last two days and he too agreed with me and said he felt the same way.  I am so glad that we are not pumping our bodies full of grease and fat like we use too.  I feel healthier with what I am making my family and the fact that we hardly use proceed foods any longer.  If we are to have pizza now a days, its from scratch and fresh ingredients, not frozen pizza any longer.  Yet again I will say, if you eat these things that's fine but remember you need those veggies and fruits to keep you healthy too.  Don't always run for the processed foods, I know they are quick to make and often taste yummy too, but if you just take an hour out of your week and plan ahead you can make those same meals from scratch and are so much better for you.  You also for the chance to be proud of what you made cause it tastes so yummy!

Oh what a week

So I can't say I fell off the wagon totally this week but I defiantly had alot of struggles.  A long time school friend of mine lost her mother to cancer last week and with that information  I have found myself really worrying and thinking about my own family.  My dad has cancer and while I am no longer really close to him like I was when I was a child, it breaks my heart to think I could loss him at a young age also.  Not only myself being younger but also my father as he is only in his yearly 50's.  Go to this ladies funeral only mad it more surreal to me, that I too really could be planning my fathers funeral in the near future.  I don't want to do that, I love my dad no matter what, he is my father but at the same time he has hurt me in so many ways and I just don't know how to deal with it any longer.I don't know what to do or think about the whole situation and what could come to be in the near future.  As for that, instead of talking to others, like my mom, husband or close friends, what do I do???? YES you are right I turned to food yet again.  Why I don't know?  I need to figure out, retrain myself not to turn to food for comfort.  Its really not going to talk me through my emotions more tell me how I should deal with things, all the food is doing is killing me faster too.  I don't want that, I want to be here for my family, my husband, my children.  If I keep turning to food the way I do all I am doing is hindering my journey to a healthier me, a skinnier me, a more active me.  So for this week I have jumped back on the the healthy wagon and I am going to keep moving forward, I am not going to give into my destructive ways again.  I know I can do this no matter what comes my way or how hard it really is.  I am a strong person and I need to keep strong for my family.

My time is flying!

So I realized I haven't blogged in a few days :(  I am sorry.  I have been busy the last while trying to catch up on paper work for the daycare, cleaning my basement up (that's what happens when you let a bunch of kids down there by themselves!  They say "yes" why you asked them if they have cleaned up, although they didn't really!).

I was talking with my dear mommy yesterday (not that that is anything new, as we talk almost daily) and we decided that we were both going to try our hardest to lose 20 pounds by our birthday (1: June 4th, 2: we both have the same birthday date, we are just 25 years apart!).  Oh sorry mom, that might give your age away, hehehe!  So with that being said June is just over 3 months away.  I think 20 pounds is more then do able for the both of us.  I am excited to do this, and if I get there, I plan on buying a new outfit for my birthday...... I really want to hit 25 pounds though, that would take me out of the 200's and I haven't been out of this for a while now.

So this weeks weigh in was OK, I can't complain I did lose, just not what I wanted to.  I guess those few nights of a bowl of ice cream and peanuts sure didn't help, nor did my indulgent in 4 granola bars (Why?) . But after thinking about what I did last week and the lack of the exercise I was doing........ I guess I can be some what happy.

The last few days I have found a nice exercise routine for me though.  In the mornings I try to get a good 30 minutes of Wii Fit in and then in the evenings after my kidlets have gone to bed, I aim to get 1200 punches in, in boxing and which equals to be about a half hour for me.  After that I aim for another half hour of either step ups or my resistant band work outs.  I "stole" my mother exercise ball from her a few weeks ago and have tryed it a few times, but can't seem to get the hang of it, I will keep trying from time to time.  Does anyone have some of their own favorite exercises they do with their balls....... wow, that doesn't sound right!!!  Oh yes I should get my mind out of the gutter, I'm sorry again!

Today's weight: 223.8
Starting weight: 245
1 st goal: 220.5

Why???

Why is it that when a woman is coming to her TOM (time of the month) she craves sugar or sweat things?????

I just indulged in 4 granola bars....why? I don't really know why I took that first one to start with, I wasn't really hungry, I just finished supper.  But I did!  I am mad cause 1 lead to 2 to 3 and then 4, like really Ashley give your head a shake, what the hell are you doing.  

So I did a little research on why we crave sweats when its that great time of the month every woman loves.  

Eating sugary foods causes blood-sugar spikes, followed by sharp declines, a pattern that exacerbates irritability, anxiety and light headedness. These symptoms only lead to more sugar cravings.  

All in all, I really didn't need that extra 2, 3, and 4th granola bar, hell I really didn't need the first one, but a gave into my god damn carvings once again.  I really need to break this habit and stop doing these nasty things to myself.  It doesn't do anything to me besides pushing me into depression a little more and gaining weight instead of losing it.  So I get my self back on the ban wagon once again, for about the millionth time since I started this journey and I will keep trekking on.  I am just hoping it wont set that scale up to much when I get on in on Sunday!

Weigh in and a little more

So this morning was weigh in........ the results didn't change from yesterday :(  But I am not going to sulk over what the scale is telling me this week.  I see it and I am going to move on  no pity party this time.  It's a gain like I said in last nights post Wine and Dine  but just cause I am up does not mean that I am not on track.  Our bodies can do some funny things to us, I know personally this time, I didn't cheat, I exercised, and I was getting more water in (not enough yet, but its finally coming to me). 

This week I will continue eating healthy.  I still have a bad habit of skipping meals, I have done this for a good 15 years now, its not going to change over night, not when I have been doing the same thing over and over again for that long.  But it is coming, just like my water intake (that will be another post to come!). 

I am loving my Wii exercises but I was thinking last night, I can't just rely on the wii, sure it gets me moving and its fun at the same time, but I need to get in my mind that I have to do more then that.  This week I would like to get back into my resistance band workout and maybe some exercises on the ball.  I am not to sure what those exercise balls are really called, but I got one from my mommy last week, and well I haven't used it yet.  I am going to this week.  No, its not going sit in my basement and collect dust or be another toy for the kids to play with.  I am going to use it. 

I have a dear dear friend that keeps my spirits up when needed, gives my motivation to keep going (hell she was the one that was able to get me started) and some amazing tips on every aspect of weight loss, exercises, and nutrition.  She has told me a few times now, that I really should get a "starting" picture and keep taking some along the way, it will keep one motivated to see the changes.  She also said that I should take my measurements, not that it has to be every week but once or twice a month even. This way, if you have a bad number on the scale one week you can see that you might not have lost weight, but you might have lost inches along the way. I had thought of this before, but my problem was having to get them done in the first place.  So last night I finally broke down and asked the hubby for help doing these tasks that I was dreading.  Wow, scary numbers(see below of stats).....  I have never liked my photo being taken, because lets face it, I knew I was fat, so why did I want to see myself in a photo.  Why should anyone else have that memory of looking back at pictures and seeing this massive person in a picture.  But I am hoping with enough work one day maybe I wont mind having that picture taken with the kids or the husband.

So here are my scary stats, I don't mind it you all gasp for a breath after you read each number.  I did when the hubby told me what they were.  Hell I am pretty sure he picked me off the floor with a few of them.

Feb 2011

Arms ~ 15 1/8 inches
Chest ~ 43 3/4 inches (that's under the boobs, but I don't have anything there to worry about so I could probably measure them and have damn near the same number!)
Waist ~ 49 inches  (GASP)!!!! Yeppers that's where he picked me up off the floor
Hips ~ 46 3/4 inches
Thighs ~ 26 inches   (another, holy f@#$ from me with this number)

Weight ~ 224.6 pounds
This week ~ up 1.8
1st goal ~ 220.5 pounds
Starting ~ 245 pounds

To beans or not to beans?

So yet again I tried something new today (besides working out with the Wii ), it was some more food.  Now not that food is unknown to me and this time I even knew what I was making and knew I didn't like it.  I made White Turkey Chili, I don't like chili.  Its not the taste I don't like, its those beans!!! I am one that has a food problem that co-insides with textures.  Its not that I don't like the taste of alot of food its that I can't handle its texture in my mouth. Example:  I love deviled eggs, but hate egg salad sandwiches.  I know, I know its all the same stuff, but when my egg white and yokes are mixed together like the the salad I just can't handle it.  Once again I know you can call me crazy.  So I have the same kinda issue with beans (kidney, red, black, white..... lentils, etc)  the taste is OK (not great but OK!) but I can not handle that texture in my mouth, I just want to gag.With that being said I still made the chili and tried it.  It called for white beans (usually any chili I ever had only had red beans in it) and I had never tried white beans before.  To my surprise they taste better to me then any other ones and the texture, while still there wasn't as bad to me then some other.  Other then the beans the chili was great I thought.  The hubby and my son loved it, that's for sure.  Now with the chili I made a Santa Fe Salad.  Once again it had beans in it, but black one this time.  I must say I did try it and yes more then one little mouth full, but it was definitely a no go for me.  I thought with them not being cooked I might not mind the texture as much, well I was wrong!!!  So now my hubby has a huge bowl of Santa Fe Salad to eat..... I am pretty sure he will be eating it well into the weekend (that's if I don't toss it first!)

Any who here's be menu plan for the day.

Breakfast:  Coffee w/sugar X 4 (when I have 'X' it is cups not how much sugar I use!)
                  Easy Breakfast Quiche (see recipe below)

AM Snack: Nothing

Lunch:  Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup, half piece of cheese toast (the daughter stole my other half!) and orange

PM Snack:  Orange

Supper: White Turkey Chili (see recipe below), Santa Fe Salad (see recipe below), and rolls ( I didn't have one but the rest of the family did)

Quote of the day:  You may delay, but time will not ~ Benjamin Franklin

Oh how I wish I had really thought about this quote along ago when I heard it.  I have loved reading quotes for years now.  I never applied anything I read (quote wise) to my weight, weight loss, or health ever.  I read them because they soothed me.  But it wasn't until lately that I really started to think about what they meant or at least how I have taken them.  If I would have done this thinking years ago, maybe it would have given me the strength to keep going while on those millions of short term diets I have done.  I am 25 years old and I think I have done at least that many diets in my life plus who can count all the "quick"  fixes I have tried!  If I would have put my all into it the first time I would be doing this right now.  (Although, I can't come plain cause I have gotten to know some friends alot better through all this and even met some great new friends and people along the way (how I love the blogging world)).  At the same time I am saying this (writing)  I am thinking to myself, I shouldn't be.  One should never look back on life and wish for something different, we should always take the memories we have and make the most of them.  If it wasn't for me waiting this long to make my true life change I wouldn't have gotten to know a friend from high school, as well as I do now.  And I am thankful to have her in my life now, she is great support and one whom I claim and a dear close friend now that I can confide in with anything.


RECIPES

Mini Breakfast Quiche ~ Recipe from Kids Approved Meals

Easy 1-2-3 Biscuits dough 


Ingredients:



3 heaping tablespoons of butter
2 cups of self rising flour *
1 cup of milk

*to make your own self rising flour: for each cup of flour used add 1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder and 1/2 teaspoon of salt

 Directions:

Preheat  oven to 325 F.  Divide dough into 12 pieces.  Press into well greased muffin pan, making sure to cover the bottom and sides of the muffin container.  Set to the side for time being.

Ingredients:

4 eggs
1 1/2 cups of milk
4 pieces of cooked bacon, crumbled (you could also use about 3/4 cup of breakfast sausage cooked and cut into small pieces)
1 cup of grated cheese

Directions:

Mix all the above ingredients in a bowl .  Pour evenly over Easy Biscuit dough.  Bake for 20 to 30 minutes or until tooth pick is inserted in the centre and comes out clean.

Easy-peasy and Yummy in the tummy!

White Turkey Chili ~ Recipe from Canadian Turkey Marketing Agency

Ingredients:

1 lb of ground turkey
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 medium onion chopped
2 cloves of garlic minced
2 teaspoons of chili powder

1 teaspoon of oregano
1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper

1/2 a red pepper chopped
3/4 cup of turkey broth (I used chicken broth cause that's what I had on hand!)
1 can of white kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup of sour cream
2 tablespoons of fresh parsley chopped (I forgot to buy parsley on Sunday, so I skipped this ingredient)

Directions:

Heat oil in large non stick pan.  Add turkey meat, onion and garlic.  Cook, until turkey meat is no longer pink in color.  Add dry seasonings and mix well.  Add green and red peppers and broth.  Bring to a boil.  Reduce heat and simmer for 10  to 15 minutes.  Add salt and pepper to taste if you like.  Add beans, cheese, sour cream and parsley.  Heat through for another 5 minutes.  Serve!

Santa Fe Salad ~ Recipe from The Best of Bridge Vol. 1

Ingredients:

Cilantro Lime Dressing
1/4 cup of olive oil
juice from 2 limes
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1 teaspoon of cumin
Salt and pepper to taste

Salad
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
1 red pepper chopped
1 can of corn drained
1/3 cup red onion chopped
1 jalapeno pepper seed and minced (if you don't like spicy food skip this one!)

Directions:

In a medium bowl, whisk together oil and lime juice.  Add cilantro, cumin, salt and pepper and mix well.  Added salad ingredients and mix well again.  Serve room temperature.

Yes I was pissed off!

All righty, I know I have been missing in action all week.  It sucks thats for sure.  I must admit I had a week from hell, all around.  Emotional, physical, mental, and food wise.  I just plain old screwed the whole week (and not as in the bed screw either, that ain't happening right now!)  So, I was just pissed off at the whole world and myself that I just didn't care what so ever.  BUT, today is a new day and I am back ater, gonna do this shit.

I love how I play mind games with myself and usually they end up with me totally failing all around.  I took a great course this weekend, it was really pertaining to childcare and daycare but I got alot out of it for myself.  They taught and talked about a lot of nutrition, the food guides, food portions, exercise in toddlers (although they had us doing some of the games to learn them and get moving, and I tell ya, I was working up a little sweat and huffing and puffing).  How said is it that a 25 year old (me!) works up a sweat doing toddler moving games, it didn't include running or anything.  I know I am fucking outta shape when this happened to me.  I was disgusted in myself.  But after all that was done, I came home and did my workout!!!!  I had the house to myself (which nearly never happens) and I pushed my way through my workout and even went a little longer then usual.  It felt great after I was done.  But now 2 days later my ass and legs are hurting yet again.  One day this pain will go away....Right?  Please someone tell me it doesn't last forever!

Any who, I am back on that damn wagon that keeps hitting the potholes in town and throwing me off.  Today's a new day!  This week I am still working on getting that disgusting water into me, still am hating every minute of it when I am drinking it, and keeping up with my workouts also. Haven't weighed this fat ass this week, cause I was to pissed off still yesterday to do it, maybe I will get a weigh in tonight or tomorrow morning.  I am scared to see what I am back up to that's for sure.

That damn Wagon

So yesterday I fell off the wagon.  I am pretty sure I ate everything in sight and all day long.  I made a yummy healthy chicken veggie soup for supper and biskets to with it.  I am not a fan of the biskets so I thought I would be OK.... well I was wrong, I still ate 2.  I ate the veggies when I was cutting them up, OK that was a good choice in food but I also had two pieces of orange crumble cake I made for dessert along with the orange cream cheese icing I made for it, I had pudding, fruit snacks.... good god, I ate so much I really don't remember what I had.  How sad is that?!?!

I have been feeling a little blue the last few days, not to sure why at all.  I guess that's what happens with depression.  But while I was getting ready this morning I notice something else.  My ear had a big scab in it.  Now I haven't told many people about this bad habit of mine but like I said in the first blog, that all shit will come out. 

When I get stressed I pick at my ears.  I don't even notice I am doing it most of the time, until they are sore and bleeding.  I am not sure why I do this either, it doesn't help anything that's for sure.  Why would scratching my ears till there is no skin left, really help me out in a stressful situation?  But like I mentioned I don't even realize I am doing it, and that's what happened yesterday I guess.  I don't even know what I am stressed out about this time or right now.  Is it family, money, this weight loss journey, food in general?  Maybe that's it?  Maybe I was doing it because I was eating and I know I wasn't suppose to be?!?! Something for me to think about.

Is there anyone else out there that does stupid things when they get stressed out?  Or am I the only freak that does?  Really would help if I had better knowledge on why I do it.  I guess I might have to turn to my good old friend the net, to see some insight on this horrible habit of mine. 

Well today's a new day and hope I can get back onto this wagon and continue going on the correct path.  I have noticed I fell off now I need to get back on and stay on!

A deadly sin....

Well the last few days have been busy and the next few to come will be the same.  I am preparing for my daughters 4th birthday party and my youngest sons baptism.  Things means baking (trying to avoid licking the fingers), shopping for the meal and just gathering everything that is needed.  Today, I am attempting to make a Dora cake.  Not to sure how this will turn out, its a new cake recipe, and well trying to get this thing to somewhat look like Dora might not be the easiest either.  Stay tuned and I will let you know how that goes and try to post pictures too.

So yesterday was day two of my this blog.  I did well at first!  I headed up to Regina for some groceries and healthy food, also a dinner date with great couple.  I got to know C & D (I will not use really names when blogging, sorry)  while working at my previous job when living in Regina, we all worked together.  D was a true support and lean to guy when I was going through some rough times with my Dad and work.  He has great knowledge and is tells you how it is with out beating around the bush, yet at the same time can comfort you with the words he says.  And C is an amazing gal that has dealt with a lot of things in her life and still seems to find happiness no matter what.  Anyways, on with the meaning of my blog!!!! (I tend to get carried away with things).  I behaved myself all day, actually I didn't eat anything cause I wasn't feeling the best in the morning, so come supper time I was starving.  I ordered some yummy dried ribs and fries.  Yep, I chose fries.  Fries are my favorite food of all.  To my surprise I was able to stop at half my meal and not eat the whole darn thing.  There is a first for everything.  I got the remainder of my dinner boxed up so I could take it home to my human garbage can, aka my hubby (he will eat anything and everything).  I was so proud of myself for doing this, instead of stuffing my face till I burst. 

While all was good for supper, I made the stupid mistake of buying cheese cake while grocery shopping.  Yep that was the most stupidest thing I could do.  I got home unload and put the food away.  Husband and kids were already sleeping seems how it was 10 pm buy the time I got home.  I was craving this cheese cake all the way home, I kept saying to myself..... "you don't need it, keep it for the weekend".  Well, lets just say I gave into the temptation and had a piece.  Did it stop there?  Fuck no, I had another and another and soon i had 4 pieces eattin.  Why I did this I don't know,  I just couldn't control it.  In the end I felt like shit and was pissed off at myself for eating all of it. 

I came to the conclusion that I eat like this at night, late night.  I eat so much and I do it when the family is in bed, because they don't know I am doing it then.  I shove my face full of shit food and hide it from everyone. I even hide the evidence in the bottom of the garbage so they don't know what I have eatin.  How sad is that.  Well, I see what I am doing and I am going to change it.  I have got to learn that I am in control and not the food.  I have to take back my life and not let eating run it. 

This is one step at a time, whether its small or big it has to be over come in order to succeed.